Fun Fun

I am so excited for Halloween to get here! trunk or treat with my daughter going to haunted houses and seeing my little bear dress up as a pretty pink princess i love her so much she is so beyond beautiful. Anyway so i hope everyone has fun this halloween and is safe i know i am!

I Think I Am Going Crazy!

I was about ready to chuck this whole thing last night, I wanted to change how my page looked but for the life of me I could not get the ugly bar at the top to go away from the new system it has. But just when I was about to throw my mac book across the room and throw a fit that would make my three year old proud! I got it right and made it look how I wanted. I mean good lord I can't believe how mad I got at something so stupid. I don't know what has come over me this last month. One min I am so mad I cannot even stand it I want to rip my hair out by the roots and just scream and scream till there is nothing left in me. And then I am so sad and depressed I don't want to get out of bed or eat.
I was content last night for some reason things just felt like... I don't know not right but... I can't think of any other word then content. I'm not happy right now I know that and no matter what my mom says I know what it is to be happy and stay happy. It's just right now things are not right. And I suppose things will never be just like I want them and I should find happiness in what I do have in my life. And honestly I do! My daughter makes me so happy she is the light of my life. And my husband when he makes me laugh and is the best he knows how to be makes me happy and family..... I still feel these feelings of not being happy and being mad a heck
what is wrong with me??

Pumpkin!!

Had our yearly pumpkin carving party

on Saturday and boy did I have fun. I helped plan it and I think that is what made it so much fun. To do something see it though and know that it all went well, people came they ate laughed a ton and carved some great pumpkins. I will put some pictures up later! I really like spending time with my husbands family. I look forward to family party's , holidays or birthdays it dose not matter.Sometimes when I am really mad at my husband and think about just leaving it all behind, the thought of not seeing his family and being a part of that stops me and makes me think about what it would be like not to be with him and his family anymore. I know that I got off to a rocky start with his family, but the

love I feel for them and the love they have for me and my bear is.... one of the nicest things I have had in my life and I am sothankful to have them. And what's better is theyare not perfect or expect me to be perfect and I think that's what makes me love them all the more. And I think my pumpkin was the best !!! ;)

So the phrase that keeps running through my head is “What in heavens name are you thinking!?”
I'm always telling myself things will get better and that you have to give it time and the only way to really change anything is to go to school, but who am I kidding??
Do I really think I can can pull off full time job, school and home life? Am I not stressed enough as it is? Oh no! I have to be wonder woman and do it all!
I want to do it I do and maybe I should have done it a few years ago when all I did was work part time and take care of my daughter then I would not be in this mess. I am terrified to go back to school. I feel like I am going to fail and have such a hard time and I have not even started yet. And I was hoping against hope that I would be getting help from my husband, not just the bull about oh your so smart and you can do it I have faith in you stuff that I know but really don't need to hear coming out of his mouth at like 11:00 at night when I have to get up and go to work in the morning.
And everyone keeps saying oh you are so smart and you have a level head on your shoulders and blah blah blah. I don't feel like that girl not one little bit. All I can see are the faults I was sure everyone else could see. Some times I just don't understand why it feels like I have to do it all and give 110% of all I have to give and everyone else gives 50% or less?

Lost

Ever feel like you are lost in a sea of people and things? like no one can really see you and who you are? i feel forgettable like i could be almost if not forgotten in an entire day.... i know i would be missed that there are people who love me. i just feel at this moment lost in myself.

Like i am shut up into myself and i cannot get out no matter how hard i try, and almost like people like me that way. not the real me not who i really am just who they would like to see in me. i used to feel like i was someone worth knowing worth being around. like if i met myself three years ago i would have liked me. i don't like me now and that's all me i know something i have to change. it's just hard to know where to start. was i worth while back then should i go back to what i remember or forge on to something new i don't even know anyone!? id gladly take advice but I'm sure you don't know either....

Like i said lost

Eh

I think that i am going to start writing about losing weigh and how hard it is and stuff like that so maybe i will in fact lose some weight. what do you think....???
I Just seem to find myself at a crossroad in my life right now! and i know what you are thinking when are you not? right?! i mean really i can't seem to do anything anymore. and it just feels like nothing can go right. i try and try i really do i mean i know some people just say that but i really mean it. my mom says that it's cuz "i can't seem to do anything the easy way" now what is that supposed to mean i ask you?!? gosh only knows i don't

Work

Ok so now i know how to do this at work for just a lil bit. things have been just so super crazy lately and so much has been going on but boy have i been super tired haha! any way so i got a lay off notice from my job and then i had to get a new job with the same company yay me. well i have to start working again but i wll be sure to write more and maybe gets some pics up here soon!